Daily Journal

late journal entry coming in, sitting in ai gen ed ethics class rn

this day felt pr good. did all my work, there wasnt that much work to be done on the first day, but i finished all of it so it felt pr good.

the sole and only problem was how late i slept and how negatively that can affect the next day. gonna start gymming grind to try and mitigate that remaining awakeness as much as possible. will probably need to cook soon as well. will also need to think about not napping too much even when exhausted. also looking to wake up wayy earlier at like 7, so i can take care for breakfast, or just get to campus earlier.

also looking for meal blocks. if theres anyone reading this believing in feeding the hungry, reach out to me !

fixed up website stuff a little i hope ? will send out a push in a moment. slow morning today. maybe will head into campus later.

also looking into streamlining journal entries.

have a lot on my todo list i want to take a look at. last day before classes.

met with friends today, all seems well. im looking forward to this year tbh, its gonna be really fun.

small entry before sleeping, if i can do that everyday will prolly be good for my mental.

spent my last day with parents, time to adult it up myself ykwim

cooked a little with father today, lotta food in the fridge, hopefully i got the skills to pay the bills and keep myself fed. did hella dishes today. felt like i was overall pr productive.

good stuff i feel .

looked over classes stuff a little, looks to be pr scary and pr exciting at the same time.

gotta lock in . i wanna be out more too tbh, meet more ppl.

got to meet the homie chloe today, that was pr fun!

note journal entries, with the day before, may have gotten mixed up. This means that I’m not how these are technically ordered, but all happened within the summer.

i think im getting into good schedule. not sure tho. i think the tech is to cool down with skincare -> couple chess games -> journal -> reading -> sleep thats a lotta cooldown tho. had hella trouble sleeping yesterday so i wanna get more tired these days so it comes easier. but i imagine if i do more physical shit and get exhausted the cooldown routine is gonna get cooked. we’ll see how long i can manage it.

realized above all else i need bike so i can get to exploring even when others are working !

had a chance to do the cooldown routine today. overall good day tho nothing much happened

got to thinking about what i believe. i think as long as I remain convinced and no one can convince me otherwise, ill have good ideology. and as long as my ideologies remain true when compared against each and every other ideology, ill have reached transcendence or sm like that.

did some more research for AI within autism and that got me pretty excited about the potential.

gonna keep on thinking and play some more chess games to cool down. maybe do a leetcode. before i sleep. hit the wordle and connections for today. gonna go bike tomorrow and weigh my options on which gym i end up choosing.

been a couple of days since the last journal entry.

ive been experimenting with schedules and i think i will try to maintain energy levels a bit better so that im not instantly exhausted the moment i come home. - so i can journal more

very good day, finally reaching what i might call happiness - really happy to find that there might still be hope for me to like at least be happy in corporate, thats good to think about! like i still have smth and i still have options to explore. might be pr satisfied doing this for a couple of years, will have a lot of time to grind evertyhign else

had a really great deep talk with the rooomie today about time vs energy management and also how to think about conversations and just being natural and shit. it was really good!

first deep talk with the roomie and im glad its happening so early

talked about how if we viewed the day with like two lenses where one was

1. did some work in the morning but it was pr minimal, wasn’t able to get much work done later tonight
   1. = depressed
2. did some work in the morning but it was pr minimal, my energy was drained asf, hung out with friends later and was able to recharge all my energy was it was overall very good!
   1. =happy + good day

and so i realized just how inherently immature my get shit done mindset was in terms of sabotaging my own happiness AND my own productivity.

holy shit i had to read so many self help books to get that…

also thought about how im free from my fear of spending money. its the kind of generational trauma i definitely inherited which i was scared to fking death of getting but i kind of had no choice of getting it, from seeing how my parents grew up and the principles that they instilled in me.

like for example ill be unhappy not eating something nice, but ill be even more unhappy spending money to eat something nice, and thus ill stop myself from recieving ANYTHIGN nice for the sake of “saving” money. i was really scared of getting this one cuz i saw how toxic it was from seeing my parents and how they are also struggling with this, but i def also got it from how i act now.

kind of shit and resutling in my overall unhappiness

i realize now that i have so much self sabotaging like ways of making sure im unhappy, i think part of this is because i inherently believe that being happy is to be selfish ykwim like if you have enough time to be happy go be useful and do some good in the world…

but like i need to inherently understand that as im happy i can be able to do so much more and so much more good with the additional energy that I have…

so much ive learned from self help books!

also milen texted me today with made me really happy!

overall a lot of happiness!! beginning of school year type levels of happiness !!

-shit is easy and no stress so far… i wonder how things will progress as we move along…

overall rn things are pr great tho!

beginning of the summer journal the site is back up took a second to figure out why my url was down

planning to introspect a lot more thru the journal thruout the summer hoping to get a journal entry in at least 5 times out of the 7 days of the week, might not post all of them.

fixed a bit of the website up today will try to get local host to work on laptop as well

will meet with manager tmrw

had a rly intersting talk with father last night idk i dont think i can approve the way he lives !

i deserve only what i work for

need to journal tonight - lots of thoughts going thru my head. ive been blurry hazy and just plain burnt out for the past little bit. all for things i realize are prolly inconsequential. grinding classes away, the wicker of my soul burning ever lower and lower weaker and weaker for what

a fkign grade ??

what is wrong with me bro … i need to lock in focus on the things that matter to me. need more time to hang out with friends. need to allocate more me time. as much as i want to believe im a machine im not bro.

finally soted out my inner thoughts and now im more convinced that im actually a good person. it seems this is somethign quite important to me acutatlly now tha ti think about it. it was disturbing me how much i was scared i might actually not be a good person.

i realized its just a matter of context. how much ppl know about me dictates how they wanna judge me. and well thats chill too makes sense honestly. its on me how much i share anyways right so rly its like .. on me.

yeah whatever

finally clear head these days. time to lock in especially hard. think ill try tmrw and see my mental state after!

better day today, things look like they’;re on the up and up. i ahve two late assignments so i gotta lock in and do them tmrw. tmrw is a full lock in day. today was better tmrw has to be even even better

things are managing, stuff is getting done.

looks like i will survive after all LMFAO !

i think i can last until 28, i think i can make it !

rly rly tough day today

these days come .

i was wondering today if i break down too easy. if its somethign that i do too much. why im so emotional at the end of the day and other ppl can tank this shit. and deal with it like nothing evenhappened.

idk bro .

maybe it comes from the way i was raised. and when you deal with that much bs then you sorta jsut take the L on that day. cry your heart out . and then move on the next day.

liek surely im this way because ive been trained up to be this way right. and if ive been trained up to this point then it has to work for somethign right. so it has to be right tech ? surely .

nah i wonder why this happens . ive gotten bitch bitched like 3 times here alr. idk if thats a low number or a high numebr but i feel liek thats kidna frequent.

maybe its that i cant brush it off like how i see others do. so i have to take the L and cry to like try and allieviate the difference bteween us. liek maybe if i dont break down ill just get cooked omega. liek i just have a debuff idk .

its tough tho. i needed to start this lab earlier. i already knew i cant code well. if i knew that i shoulda started earlier to at least lvel the playign field . this is just me takign the L for my sins. its okay i learned my lesson.

also think i may be burning out but i cant tell yet

we’ll see how things progress.

not sure why i dont have a journal entry for yesterday, guess i was too busy. This entire week back from the break ive been pretty locked in. tryna burn myself as far as i can go. see how brightly i can shine type shit. idk. today has been the same

i worked pretty ok-ish hard throughout the day. woke up 20 min late but thats ok. still working on it. tried my best thru lab and thru the rest of the day. felt like i was completing most of the shit off my checklist. still have all of malloc to go through but its alright ill jsut do my best tomorrow - all of tomorrow i think i will spend on malloc . we’ll see how burnt out i get !

i got a little mad at samee and milen today which i regret. its def mb cuz theyve been thru a lot of shit today and i shouldnt be getting mad just cuz … welp its whatever. its def a little bit all of our fault but i feel bad so ill apologize tmrw!!

i was feeling down tn cuz i think the grind was getting to me a little bit. jsut the whole day and still the stress of more to do. but near the end of today i was talkign to anthony for a rly good bit so it was quite mentally relieving!! that was a definite up of the day !

also i got my contract today finally which im quite excited for. we’ll see exaclty how much money ill have to pay in tax tmrw morning!

ok, off till the next one (which could be tmrw or the week after LMFAO)

worked on 151 all day, got a good amount of work in and got a lot of intuitions so thats good. talked with nav for a bit. i think i need to min max it for a bit more. burn myself out to my very core, survive until malloc lab is done.

last day of break, did some good-ish work on CPS, but honestly not completely fulfilled, thats ok tho gonna lock in tmrw and finish the majority of it, or at least get enough insights into finishing everything

pretty much just worked the whole day. had fun hangout with friends near the end of the day but ig it just feels still unfulfilling when we afk and do nothing. might be a toxic trait i have that i want every moment to be 100 but thats never going to be possible.

all g

finally the break is over, i cant wait to finally feel the fear of god himself looming over me, his watchful eye keeping me on track as i finally get all the shit i need done done. itll be good to finally feel the pressure again

i realized i just cant work during the break, and i feel that because of that i dislike myself slightly more. yeah i just hate who i am during the break. ig its just cuz i cant get anything done, cuz i cant lock in, not even for like lack of effort but i just dont feel the fear so like i cant actually get it done. idk

gonna start journalling more frequently cuz things are picking up - better document these days to make sure i feel like im moving forward, or at least figure out if im not.

updated journal entries rl quick, updated NOW page as well, updated timeline as well into the website, realized my dumbass has no shot at making a CV I’ve legit got no experience wtf am I thinking man

ate, got food with dan and tiffany again, skipped the workout cuz im a busy piece of shit, stared at housing for a good 2 hrs and got hella panicked

tried to get the monitor producing sound and legit prolly wasted a good hour or two. wtf. why am i doing dumbass sidequests.

planning on cleaning the keyboard, doing laundry, and also studying CPS tonight, also making late night snack

agenda :

complete lock in day today, finished cachelab finally, meant to read teh writeup for malloc and read some 15150, but didnt have a chance to. fell the fk asleep before i actually could. had a really wholesome conversation w Dan and Tiffany about their relationsships which was good. college rly does sm to ppl to make ppl fall in love which is def a good thing. also talked with the ppl on our floor for a bit which was great as well!

remaining agenda from previous days:

• cachelab lecture review
• work on the website
  • CV
  • Timeline tab

figured out more housing shit today, ordered grip trainers, did transcript shit for scholarship, grinded league of legends, finally hit plat so i can stop playing that shitty game, ggs done with league for a bit now

actually been tired as fk all day today its rly strange. I think i will fall asleep instantly which has been rare on days I dont work out. supposed to lock in today but didnt.

its okay tho, tmrw i lock in completely. itll be alright. have to go to OH tmrw as well.

remaining agenda from yesterday:

• transcript request
• cachelab lecture review
• work on the website
  • CV
  • Timeline tab

did some research last night into LLM’s, might not be possible to implement what I’m thinking of within these seven days while needing to do everything else… we’ll see what happpens…

break need to dos: 150?, 241 study, 213 grind, grind plat, rest well, LLM tech?

kinda cooked yesterday, completely locked in and debugged the shit out of csim.c !! finished midterm as well prolly got an 85ish or 90 which is not the worst as well. overall very good dance. plus i learned a fun tiktok dance!! overall very good start to the break. lets hope it remains as smooth sailling !

as for today ---

woke up on the dot, did laundry, organized a lil, hit the gym - great chest day, went grocery shopping, got milk, ate food, played a game of league, hit gold 3,

cut my nails, shave, folded laundry,

todays remaining agenda: read the cachelab lecture, want to work on website a bit more -cv, timeline,

• need to request transcript as well for amzn

break need to dos: 150?, 241 study, 213 grind, LLM / tokenization tech, grind plat, rest well

doomed. didnt even get distracted that much and still pr slow. yikes. it ok tho lock in tmrw !

vv weird day as well, took a nap for 1hr 30 but i did three reps for 30 min so im sure the sleep quality was not even that good. did laundry and washed blankies so thats good, did a little work on 213 lab, realized i have no time, came to some good realizations today. gonna get 9 hrs of sleep everyday. I have enough time to afford it so i should rly be doing it. like wtf am i doing not getting sleep am i fking braindead ?? it ok tho, time to focus up. i have bigger plans than to waste time freshman year fr fr

slept for an hour 30, didnt feel like i wasted too much time today, still felt pr slow regardless tho. its okay tmrw will be better ! didnt gym today, today was rest day, tmrw will be push day 2. made breakfast ! it was pretty great!

mid day overall, pr much just finished CGA, went to the gym at least so theres mental copium there. prolly wasted 4-5 hrs today theres a lot to be done in terms of efficiency

woke up late, did nothing till like 6 ish which felt rly awful. I really need to get good sleep to operate like a real human being. took a nap, felt like a real human being after that, finished 150, went to the gym, started CGA and will prolly try to finish tonight, had really fulfilling hangout with friends so that was good!

gonna go to sleep and lock in tmrw !

i feel like im taking my weekends way less srsly than I am last sem and that feels kinda off. idk why that is or if its actually true!

got 6 hrs of sleep, went to gym, capg, protein, worked on website, finished it for the most part, just need to finish CV + timeline, finished attacklab, dropped matrices hmwrk

mid day today, good deep talk sesh with friends. Took a while working on attack lab. That lab is so unfun. Otherwise overall mid.

ah weird ass day fr fr

yk that feeling of like locking the fk in for a test, and grinding your ass off? yeah thats what i did for this 150 midterm. prolly like 10 hrs of straight locked in grind. like pure panic study type beat.

and then what . i pull up and the test is that fking easy ? its like sm just spat in my mouth . disgusting feeling bro. I worked my whole life for a fight and the opponent just chooses to get knocked out first round.

welp at least it was easy tho !

last two entries didnt go in, too busy grinding. its ok tho.

this weekend i have so much shit to do. its ok tho! no biggie. I’ve put in work before.

if i have a chance ill prolly try to get the website nice and fresh i think.

slow day today. was planning on gettting a lot more of attack lab done today but thats ok. think ill spend all day tmrw on 150. took a 3 hr long ish nap today accidentally and i need to stop doing that if i wanna focus up. gotta lock in for this next week.

think im gonna need to take a late day for attack lab, gonna need to use a hmwrk drop for this weeks 241 but thats ok.

gotta lock in.

day2

1st journal post!! kinda exciting no cap! today was pretty mid. tough gym sesh, felt like the weights weren’t moving but that’s ok. happens. spent the rest of the day figuring out how to clone and host a website. took 5 hrs ish. coulda been done faster but thats ok. it was pretty fufilling so thats good.

Need to get some actual work done tmrw.

hopefully it’ll be written in this journal that its gotten done. ig this is just something that can keep me on track!

Gonna be writing these journal entries daily so i can look back on what ive done and feel the progress more concretely. Also for mental copium so I don’t actually lose it.

day 1, freshman, second semester, in midterm week